"What is it sweetie? Why are you crying?" I said quite incredulous, because I swear we just read a wonderful bedtime story and hubby piggybacked her to bed and she was smiling and laughing all the way.
These moments happen without warning; often when least expected. It almost always catches me off guard, because I'm never prepared for the fact that my little girls are growing up much faster than I expect. I wish I could slow it down; sometimes stop it altogether. And often I don't even know the answers myself and I scramble through thoughts and words looking for something smart and insightful to say.
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"Mommy, please don't ever leave me! Please don't go to heaven!! I don't want you to die!" she said, now sobbing loudly.
My heart skipped a beat because I think most of us struggle with this one, even when we are old and all grown up. "Honey, I am not going to leave until I'm old and grey!" (I know. Lets not get technical! I'm speaking with a girl that turned six years old last week.)
"How old was great grandmother when she died?"
"She was more than 90 years old!" I blurted out.
"But I'm scared! I don't want to lose you!"
"Fudge, by the time you are fifteen you probably will be wishing I was not around!" I said in an attempt to lighten up the conversation.
"That will never happen!! I want you to stay with me until I'm sixty years old!!" she protested vehemently.
"I will not leave until you tell me to, OK? I will be walking around with my rickety old cane squawking at you all day, until you tell me to get out!" And for special effect I walked around squawking and bent over with a pretend cane shaking back and forth. That at least brought a faint smile to her face.
After a few more of these exchanges I realized that this was one of those times I really have to have a heart to heart with my children. So as I got settled in between them; I took a deep breath and told them what I've learned the hard way.
"We have to have faith, girls. Living your life worried and afraid of all the "what if's!" is not the way God wish for us to live our lives. We all have some fears and concerns, but we should not let these overtake our thoughts and lives. It can make our bodies sick and deprive us of living full, happy and exciting lives! We have to lay these worries and fears down and choose faith, hope and love to envelope our hearts, so we can truly live and be alive.
Nothing has ever been accomplished with fear and worry. Still, I sometimes feel worried too, but we have to have courage and believe everything will be OK! And besides, you are not going to get rid of me that easily!"
"Are you really going to walk around with a cane when you are old?" my other daughter asked.
"Well, maybe I will get one of those 4X4's with the wheels! It might be a little easier to move around!" I said, grateful to see the light returning to Fudge's eyes.
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